He Who Smelt It – Episode 6: Vanilla H2Ewww

yogurt

I tried Greek yogurt for the first time recently. It’s an abomination. So as not to appear insensitive toward foreign cultures, I sampled Icelandic yogurt as well. Guess what? It’s every bit as repugnant. I have wondered if what I’ve attempted to choke down is a bastardized Americanization or an authentic import, but considering its popularity, does it even matter? Every grocer’s cooler is packed with the stuff. People can’t seem to get enough of it. I can’t seem to get it at all. If the international yogurt community prefers it this way, shame on them. If America has created this glop and passed it off as an exotic delicacy, then shame on us.

It’s not like I ask a lot from my yogurt either. Two things matter: taste and texture. This stuff egregiously offends on both accounts. It’s the consistency of spackle and tastes like it’s already begun the trek south toward sour. After you swallow, it somehow gets worse and pulls a sort of sadistic magic trick. A barf-like aftertaste hits that’s beyond anything we should be expected to endure for the sake of digestive health. Few substances can claim to taste like vomit on the way in. This is one of them.  Each bite caused me to break out in a cold sweat and had me smacking my lips to rid my gills of the taste. I even let loose a few of those wispy after-vomit spits that always seem necessary after you’ve retched.

This brief diatribe is a pretty good metaphor for my feelings about M. Micallef Vanilla Marine.

It all starts innocently enough – sweet, flowery, but with a touch of spice. It’s very much the twin of M. Micallef Vanilla Flower – maybe not identical, but with the only difference being the subtle hint of fruit the Vanilla Flower gives off, at least fraternal. Thirty minutes in, though, whatever resemblance they shared quickly vanishes. The spice disappears and its sweet flowery elements grow stronger. As if that wasn’t frou frou enough, it then whips out its own magic wand. It waves it through the air and a powdery scent permeates your world and whisks your mind away to some far off, frilly land of unicorns and rainbows.

Funny thing is, I had actually been hastened to this place before.

My grandmother used to take two hours to get ready every morning.  The days when we planned a breakfast out, the rest of the family would wait patiently, hoping maybe that would be the day she shifted things into turbo. That day never came. We’d eventually begin to huff and roll our eyes at one another, but we never made a fuss about things. She was just too sweet. When she’d finally rise from her cushy pillow-covered throne and emerge, those of us who hadn’t passed out from hunger were hit full on by a scented powder cloud that was so thick and pungent it took the rest of the day to dissipate. I’m not sure which combo of soaps, perfumes, antiperspirant/deodorants, powders, or other chemicals made up the low-hanging nimbus that enveloped us, but I think most of them ended up in M. Micallef Vanilla Marine.

This scent, like Greek yogurt, takes a faulty step right from the beginning and quickly sprints off in a direction I’m unwilling to follow. But, as is always the case, what do I know? I’m the foremost authority on neither… but for the bad taste they’ve left in my mouth, I give each an emphatic thumb down.

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10 responses to “He Who Smelt It – Episode 6: Vanilla H2Ewww”

  1. Beth says :

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post! I’m not familiar with either one of these scents. I love greek yogurt and found your description of not liking it very funny. You’re a good writer. Loved the part about your Grandma too, you’re a funny guy. Thanks

    • Adam says :

      Beth,

      Thanks for reading… and for the compliments! I think my opinion on these scents don’t mirror most others, so please don’t take my word for it.

      Also, what is it about this Greek yogurt you find appealing? I’m so curious about this.

      • Beth says :

        For me it’s the texture. I like the thickness of it and the taste. I like to have it for breakfast because it’s high in protein. I totally get that a lot of people don’t like it. I completely understand that. The only thing I can say to you about it would be you wouldn’t know what the appeal is because that’s exactly what you hate about it and I love about it. Does that make sense? I thought the way you put your dislike of the yogurt to compare that to the dislike of the perfume was interesting. I guess we all have a different sense of what we find amusing and funny. I liked it.

        • Adam says :

          Makes complete sense. To each his own I guess. Maybe one day I’ll come around. Though we disagree about the yogurt, I’m glad you enjoyed the rest of the review. Thanks for reading! Hope to see you for episode 7.

  2. Tora says :

    Oh, I am so incredibly thrilled to hear that you feel the same way about Greek yogurt as I do. All of my friends, my husband, my kids, think I am crazy to loathe it so much. Yay for you!! And your description is Right On!!!! And I will not be trying that Micallef either. Thanks!!!!

    • Adam says :

      And thank you!

      Tora, don’t worry. They’re the crazy ones, not you. I’m glad you’re out there as well! If you find out what we’re missing, come back and let me know.

  3. Undina says :

    It’s such a pity you chose to use your writing abilities to produce that. Since you clearly do not see any faults in this piece I don’t think it’s my place to explain you what is wrong but I want to express my disapproval.

    And – just for the record – I’m not a fan of this perfume as well.

    • Adam says :

      Undina,

      Sorry you didn’t like the review, but I really would like to know more about what you disliked. I’m genuinely curious. Please feel free to elaborate.

      Hope you’ll also come back for Episode 7, and let me see if I can make it up to you!

  4. Vanessa says :

    Adam, Total yoghurt is the reference brand from Greece. If you have tried that and still don’t like it, there is clearly no hope of converting you. Unless you try honey with it, maybe? ;-) I am a big fan of the stuff myself, with access to the real deal. ‘Vascular mastic’ it may be, but I’d rather live fast and die young, also when it comes to dairy products.

    • Adam says :

      Total yoghurt. Okay. If I can find this, I’ll give it a shot. I’m always open to having a change of opinion. And the honey is a groovy idea, too!

      Vascular mastic. I love it!

      Thanks for reading, Vanessa!

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