It’s time to fill in some blank spots.
Life is much more than cool pictures on instagram; I feel lucky to be where I am right now, but to be honest, the picture I’ve shared has been unbalanced. Here’s to finding balance.
BOTO began while I was finishing my BS at PSU.
It was born on a gloomy day during Spring Break, sunlight tentatively peeking through the blinds of our SE Portland townhouse. It was just a few months before my wedding, and it was during one of the most challenging periods of my life.
School was tough: I was trying to finish my pre-med requirements, and prepping for the MCAT. Seasonal Affective Disorder was still clinging to me with it’s cold, vise-like grip. Out of nowhere, my formerly supportive fiance dropped a bomb– he didn’t want to be married to a medical student, or to a MD. Suddenly, I had to choose between the thing I’d been working towards for years, and the man I loved. Invitations had been out for months, plane tickets and travel plans had already been made by my family. What choice did I have?
I felt utterly helpless.
I sat down and started a blog.
Later, after the wedding, BOTO evolved into a perfume blog and I deleted most of my early posts. I channeled my energy into exploring something beautiful, something safe–no dangerous introspection about my emotional state: just beautiful perfume! While my world was crumbling, I focused on a pleasure I could access– fragrance.
He broke up with me before the wedding. He broke up with me again after we got back from the honeymoon. Few people know this. He broke up with me whenever I got out of line. I almost didn’t survive him, and have the hospital bracelet (9/19/09) to prove it. What gave me hope, what got me through, was the writing.
BOTO was the thing that helped me get through–the people who came into my life because of it gave me courage and hope. After the divorce, I walked away from this space. I think maybe because I wanted a fresh start. My personal policy has been, No looking back! But that’s not quite right: BOTO tugs at me, as it always has.
Beauty on the Outside is a tool: I used it to focus on something I could control–pleasure for pleasures sake, and what that pleasure experience did for my internal self. Ultimately, it helped me find freedom.
What now? The answer eludes me. Perfume remains a major part of my life: yesterday I wore Puredistance Black, and I bought a bottle of CK Dark Obsession off eBay for 30-bucks. I’ve managed to convince Josh Meyer to work with me again on a new perfume project, and I’ve got The Guy wearing Kilian.
What any of this means for BOTO, I’m still figuring out. It may evolve into something completely different, but I’m still here. I’m hitting the reset button, and I’m hopeful about whatever comes next.
SOTD: L’Artisan’s Coeur de Vétiver Sacré, from Birgit.